just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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