Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
