sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
