I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The air taste purple.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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