i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
