I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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