I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
