i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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