note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
