May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
