I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You smell like stripper and shame
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
