I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
