You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
