Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
