i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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