So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
