someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
