i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
