Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
