just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
