the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
