So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
