Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
