dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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