Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
