she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
