Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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