I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
