"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Drunk is not a location!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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