woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
