Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
youre lurking in front of me
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
