Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
