so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
