We're facebook friends in real life
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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