I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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