you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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