I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
