So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
