she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
