i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
