i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
