I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
