Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
