I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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