his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
