shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Even my vagina gasped.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
