If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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