R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
