that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Boobs speak an international language.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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