you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
