Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
